Like a Book

   Getting to know you is like reading a book. Anticipating the turn of a page. Wondering what adventures will be in the next chapter. What little piece of gold will be discovered. Wishing the book would never end because it's just that good. I think the Book of You is my favorite ever. Let's write our own chapter :]
Amanda

    P.S. Please come follow me on Tumblr. It's my new favorite spot. Here.

Friendship

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.”  C.S. Lewis‌

Has a Tumblr

   Its's going to be hard to come here and post. I might eliminate this blog, and transfer it over to the tumblr. Have not decided yet though. For now, if you are interested-Here is the linky love for that tumblr acct...
   All The Stars Are Mine    Enjoy!
   ~Amanda

*You*

*You*
The Curve of your lips
& the sway of your hips.

That small spot behind your ear;
It calls me to come near.

The glimmer in your eye
Shows me that you still want to try...

Its your gaze
That leaves me in a haze
A fog
A Bliss
It has me yearning for just
One more kiss. ~Amanda

Or.

Maybe I'm not deep

or smart

Maybe I'm not special

or pretty

Maybe I don't know as much as you

or maybe

You think I'm just not capable.

Don't take me for granted

Don't tread on me

Don't make the words from my mouth

seem cheap.

Maybe I need to look inside

Or

Maybe it's you, who needs to look

within.

Out With The Old

   New behaviors, new attitudes. New Things to come. Do I know what those things are? No. But life is rapidly no longer what it use to be, and trying to figure out its new role has been difficult. Everyone in my home is trying to adjust to the new flow of things. The kids aren't handling current events so well, but eventually we will achieve an even flow. Calm waters.
   School is about to start back up again. Schedules are good for kids. Repetition. It might be a saving grace for the family. I hope they don't lash out at school too much.
   Birthdays are also swiftly approaching. This time of year is dreadful and all mashed up for me. A series of events that span a 3 month time stamp. I get crazy overwhelmed with all projects in this time, and breathe a sigh of relief when the New Year arrives.
    It starts with the kids birthdays in Oct. and with the new babe-an addition for the beginning of Nov. too. I have a baby shower to attend and a Wedding both at the end of Sept. And Early Oct. Then planning for The lovely holidays commences. Thanksgiving is my favorite Holiday. I have never cooked a bird myself, but have become the side dish queen for both Turkey day and Christmas. It will be interesting to see how my role changes along with these holidays...
 
   Its hard to put my feelings to written word when i am unsure of just what my feelings are a lot of the time. I know along with all of this personally-perceived chaos, I have a broken unstable situation. Unsure of how to make it stable again and still accomplish all the goals that are needed to sustain a normal life for my kids. Needing to find a job, and look into going to school so i can do better for my kids.
   Time is flying by, but it doesn't seem that way when nothing in your life is moving as fast as time itself...

A Poem For Her

Sovereign Entity 

. 

I dreamt I 

could be yours 

I saw it in the stars  

A special place 

existing outside

the borders of

your normalcy  

 .

Not categorized

as one

or the other

  But as separate

. 

No rules

no boundaries

no black or white

but gray

  just peace

enjoyment

fulfillment

  Friends

lovers

both

.

 No confines

to what Our

Sovereign Entity

could be 

. 

~Amanda Clemm

DO YOU SEE THAT?!

   Do you SEE this piece of magnificence?! This ring?! It is my dream to own this ring. I have been drooling over it since the day i found it. Here she is in all her glory...

  
   It's me right?! You know it is...And this ring right there-Has dropped HALF price!!! And I STILL* can't buy it! Ya know with everything that is going on in my life, the last thing i could ever do was drop money on this little gem...but gosh i love to look at it! Maybe someday All The Little Stars will own the stars on this ring as well...till that day-i shall day dream about it regularly...

    @@@@@@@@@@@@

   In other news, Even though I get no readers but my lonesome-I think a Bot* found my blog last night-cuz i got an email from a company offering to send me their product if i will review it on my blog. Funny. Ah Well...It gave me immense amusement and a lil' chuckle.
  
   Yesterday was a calm peaceful day even though things didn't go as they should have. I can only do so much before the brick walls hold me back. Accomplishing things as I can...
   That's enough for today I think. Enjoy your day. Ima try to :)

WEEEEeeeeeeEEEEE

...Did you catch it?! That was me passing by on this friggin roller coaster Im on. I'd love to get off this ride, but that's the cowardly way out. Facing fears, no matter the heartache.

This Too Shall Pass.

The Top of The Mountain

   Some sad news trumps all other troubles yesterday & today. My heart goes out to a special friend and her family. Im always here for you when needed girl.

   ~Amanda

The Game Has Changed

   In so many ways. Life is never the same. My game has changed, and now have the components and key players.
   A member of the family has left the home. Leaving uncertainty and the unknown. People who go through troubles in life, ask the same thing often..."how much more can I possibly take on?". Will I make it through unscathed? Can the fragile package be delivered safely with no cracks & chips? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. I don't know where my life will settle, the lives of my children & their well being unknown.
   Being strong is no easy task. When you once thought you were, and you're called upon to summon up even more. The task seems daunting. "But have I not been strong all along?" Life's answer is undoubtedly "No."
    I know where i want to be. How to get there is the next question, when Im unsure of even just the roof over our heads. I need the happiest of times to pull me from these depths. For they might consume me if i did not have them.
   Just have to keep reminding myself, it's all for the better, and in the long run things will be fine. Can i make it to the long run? IDK....

Change Is Coming

   ....I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in my bones. Its every breath I take, and and every move i make.

Im TOTALLY Suppose To Be At The Gym

   OK, so i haven't been around. Things have been crazy, great, fun, hectic, weird, and ridiculous! I don't think i want to, or could even begin to explain all that has gone down for me in the past month or so.

   I can tell you, it's all for the better. I know who I am. OK, no i don't; maybe i never will-but the piece I feel was missing I was right on the money about. I don't know how it will fit in with all the other pieces of my life, as there are truly so many...but it has no choice. There's no leaving it behind. There is no burying it ever again.
   I think i like to talk openly about it here, because though it is public, the number of passer-by's is so low, i don't care. And will I live to regret that i said those words? Doubt it. Im outing myself today.

   I love women. I love LGBT culture. Im not going to get into it more, cuz i could probably write a book that would never get finished. But Ive already outted myself to several friends and limited family. I won't be shouting it from rooftops, but at the same time i physically can't stop talking about it. I feel so much free-er(sp? feer?) than ever in my life. I Have told OM as well. We are on pretty even ground right now, but its complicated.

   If i make you uncomfortable now, you may leave my life. If you don't accept me for what i bring to the game, you may leave my life now. I don't think things could get worse right now. I won't go and jinx myself over it-but with less internal struggle; maybe the world will be easier to take on.
   Enjoy your weekend, I hope I do!

   Amanda.

Re-Direction

   Amanda's Week in Recipe form...A lot of my meals are just being thrown together. Maybe easy, maybe a recipe Ive made so often i Just know what to do with it.
   Also, My family and I tend to eat 'easy' meals half of the week. I don't enjoy slaving in the kitchen 7 nights a week. So I take the occasional easy road out. I buy these 'easy meals' to try to combat fast food orders. Does it work? No. Ha! There are still nights where we wind up with subway-or the local pizza joints slop...But I try Dammit to get inspired by all the food blogs i see, or recipe threads of friends of Forums...

   This weeks menu was created on a whim when i needed to make a quick list and get to the store already! I had company coming! My company was going to show me how to make my own 'sauce'! (*Gasp* to all of those other Italians who are rolling over in their graves!) What Italian can't make a sauce that's not in a jar?! Well it was me-but no longer-i have been shown how obliviously simple it can really be. Thank you Heather!

   I guess we will start with that lovely pasta dinner we had on Saturday with homemade sauce-MMmm, One loaf of Wheat Italian soft bread, and a loaf of crusty Italian bread, Salad if you prefer, and your favorite pasta-ours was Angel Hair...Never made a sauce before?
   In your pan: EVOO, minced garlic, maybe some salt-Now listen-all seasonings are subject to your own taste buds-It really was simple-and I don't know if i could ever bring myself to buy another jar again! I WILL be experimenting however with eggplant soon...
   Once your oil & garlic is cooking (stirring frequently)-but not burning-add in some fresh chopped basil and parsley-flat leaf...let that mingle for a moment-then add your tomato products-From chunky to smooth pureed-your style of tomato lies solely on your preference. Add to your tomato product -tonato paste-this along with some water will determine the thickness of your sauce-add the paste with more* water for a thinner sauce, and less water for thicker...trial and error. Once together, bring to boil-add more spices (onion powder, pepper etc) and reduce heat to low simmer till you are ready to use it. I made meatballs-so once they were cooked-i threw them into the boiling sauce-and let simmer together for about 15-If i had had time, i would have let them simmer for a couple hours-maybe just an hour-it would be experimental-as Ive not left meatballs in a pot of simmering sauce that long ever-never had the time-I might turn into a old world Italian woman after all!

   Moving on...

   Now because I have very poor planning skills, I went ahead and messed this one up. Yes, my poor poor family is having another pasta dinner two nights in a row. Tonight-it will be a Seafood Alfredo. Hey-we already have the bread! This dish includes, Linguine, Alfredo sauce, (don't be mistaken in thinking it won't be jarred! LOL Alfredo and Red sauces' are so different-Im not taking on cheese lol) Shrimp, Scallops & Calamari! Believe it or not my kids are slightly excited about this one-its the calamari! When they were younger-we had them try it fried (Heart it) and they both loved it! Even after we told them what they were eating! Its the scallops that will be hard to convince them to eat! Also with this dish I can only ever think to pair it with a salad. A bare-bones salad-Tomato and cuke-that's all...

   Occasionally-we do a "fend for yourself" meal-this is when its too hot-or its too late-or hell-There aren't enough clean dishes-we all get either a sandwich, cereal, or maybe even mac & cheese-I can't be a good example all of the time! LOL-So These meals won't always occur when i plan them to be.

   Next on the list: Homemade Italian breaded chicken with roasted Brussels Sprouts & Rice Pilaf.
Start this with Thin cut breasts. If you can't get them already like that-slice a whole breast yourself. Or hell, you could use pre-cut tender-sized pieces for this too. Get a mallet-flat side, and pound out whatever pieces you use-so that they are all a uniform thinness. You will only be able to cook so many at a time. Gee a pan/fry pan, fill with oil (veg/canola?) about an inch to an inch and a half deep-You will want to warm the oil till its it rippling-medium heat sounds good-listen, once you drop those chicken in there-the trick is to get the right temp-so your outside doesn't cook faster than your inside. They won't take long either, so watch em close. Depending on the size of your chicken pieces, up to maybe 3-5 minutes for each SIDE. This is what you need after the mallet-2 eggs, scrambled and in a dredgable container- In another container-Italian Seasoned Bread Crumbs, I'd say maybe 1/2-- One full cup-depending on amount of chicken. Once your oil is hot-Start with 3-4 pieces in the egg-move em over to the breadcrumbs and into the oil. I think the trick is to get the temp just right-so that it's still a rolling boil-but that it isn't so hot-the oil is splattering you & your counter/stove top without a cover on it. It is achievable. A timer will be your friend.
   The rice Pilaf is cooked according to directions on box. The Brussels need to be trimmed of their outer leaved and stumpy stems. Then quarter them. Place them in a medium size bowl, Drizzle with a tbs. to 2 tbs. of EVOO, and your favorite spices + salt - mix all the ingredients together in the bowl until coated evenly-then place on a foil lined cookie sheet. Bake at 400 flipping after the first ten minutes-then cooking another 5 10 more. Some like to sprinkle all kinds of gourmet cheeses just before serving, or hell even Parmesan shake cheese is a great way to eat these buggers, but the way they come straight from the oven is rad too. You'll feel proud your family will eat them :)
   (Spices in my kitchen vary between a neat little dried garlic grinder, onion powder, seaS&P, Old Bay, Paprika, Cumin, etc...switch it up every time and there is no getting bored. I also roast a ton more of our veggies this way-and the key is to make sure they are not wet with too much water-or they will just steam in the over and get soft instead of crispy and sophisticated!( I have found a salad spinner to be highly useful in the removal of excess water.)

   Meal #4, The last of my involved* meals...A twist on the traditional family Taco night. We're going Fun-With Nachos instead! Except we're going to make it at least a smidge healthy with turkey instead of ground hamburg. My turkey is 93%. Bargain $2 bag of tortilla chips, Avocado, Smooth cheese (by request-shredded does not cut it for this meal) re-fried beans, lettuce & tomato, and if anyone wants some-black olives...This will be a happy one for sure...Dinner that looks like junk food-? Sure!

   So all that leaves is the two easy meals I have nights where Im just drained, or I forget to thaw something in time! Fish sticks...With frozen fries-not the best-but i buy the ones made from whole fish rather than minced...that makes me feel better when i don't go fresh-caught-fish. We do that often, but I already have the Seafood Alfredo...With the sticks and fries will be roasted asparagus or peas.
   And finally-last but not least, Homemade pizza! Wheat dough for crust and fresh sauce with cheese and peperoni :)
   Our week in food will be nice-Lets cross our fingers the kids will agree! Happy eating friends, Amanda

Ive Made Choices

   Ive made decisions and Ive made choices. Now i just have to speak them aloud. It won't be easy. And It might take me a while.

   I think i might be going through a girl-style mid-life crisis! lol. Feeling like i need to find myself. It's really not that I don't appreciate what I have, and the people in my life. I do. Treasure them. But somewhere along the way-i decided to settle for 'OK' me rather than 'Best' me. And there are things about myself that aren't particularly fantastic either. Like for example, I think i need to discover why i can't let anyone in to my emotional bubble, and have a hard time getting close to people. That's just one thing about me though. I am a million other things all rolled into one.
   I need to figure out how all these millions of pieces fit together in a healthy* (by healthy i mean all aspects, mind, body, spirit) Amanda. Because right now, things just aren't working cohesively as they should be. And I want then to be. Badly.

Here to Health of the Mind, Body & Spirit. Cheers, Amanda

Tattoo You. Tattoo Me.

   I love art. All forms. my eyes are drawn to certain visual aspects over others, just as everyone else has there individual tastes. I think tattoo 'pieces' are amazing forms of art. Ask me if i have some, and yes i have 7. But they aren't epic. Not masterpieces. Simple mostly. A couple to commemorate my children that I cherish dearly. It always bothered me that i couldn't dream up an awesome piece to show who i was in one picture...

   Until today.

   Im so proud of my mind! I have the idea, I do not know how to put it all together quite yet. But all in due time anyway. Im very excited at the thought of not being bummed over what I've achieved in body art so far. Im hopeful that this will make up for all my flip flopping in my youth! My desired placement i think might be my hip/lower back/side wrap, or as an arm sleeve.
 
   I don't have much else to say about it, But just wanted to write something to fill the void :)

Lets Get Cryptic Here for a Moment

   While i wish i could reveal all that Im feeling and going through these days, I cannot. Perhaps one day-but not today.
   Someone has changed my tune recently. I have made friends over the internet before, some have motives-others don't. Some genuine people can often times come out of the woodwork.
    I have made a couple of really decent friendly people on the internet that i can call friends. And i have met yet one more incredible person to be on that list. It's reassuring & refreshing when you realize they are not out for personal gain. When you realize they're not just interested in you merely for deviant reasons.
   Ive learned i can lean on a couple of these internet friends Ive made over time, and i hope they know they can lean on me too. Sometimes when all i can feel is despair and i have no one to talk to-I do. I have them. They are great and I dedicate this post to you. Internet Friends. Perhaps we'll meet in real life someday.
   Thank you for being you!

*Edit:  It's been brought to my attention that Deviant is probably not the word Im looking for. Please fill in the blank.

I have Not Been Here

   I have not been here. I haven't come around. My heart is heavy with things i can not write about freely. To protect others. To protect myself.

   Im sad I can't chronicle as freely as i wish. The only thing swirling around my brain at night. It will hurt some. It will heal some.

   In time I will know better who I am. I will feel less heavy and cumbersome with my thoughts.

***********************

   In other news, I think I might join the newest gym to open up down the road. I can afford $10 a month! Excited about this. Now watch it not be the $10 promotion when i get here! That would suck.

Untitled

I can't imagine how i glossed over it before. I can't imagine why the thought had never occurred to me before. It was more obvious to a stranger in a couple of messages than in my 30 years of life. I owe myself to find out-or i feel i might set my own children up for failure in the same way. What is it that held me back? It's undeniable at this point and needs addressing.
I'm not scared anymore.

Can I just take a semi-political moment here?

I just feel like saying this.
I get irritated when i hear people say "This is America-Speak English" OR "If you can't speak English-Go HOME!"

Anything really pertaining to this matter is a hot button topic. And i realize this as i keep typing, that many will not agree with me-But this is how i see it.

Yes, I DO think that to make it successfully in America, it would be beneficial to speak English well.
But the diversity of our world brings to us many beautiful languages. And a great deal of the people who predominately speak another language also are taught from young to speak and/or understand English or another as a second language for life.

Why are people so rude about it? I'm sure other countries aren't segregating their foreign speaking citizens or tourists with a "speak French or go home" or "Learn Dutch or get the fuck out" mentality. They embrace the diversity. In America it's almost 'dirty' to speak a foreign language. Shame.

I think it truly a damn shame and a crime of our education system to lack the implementation of a country-wide enforcement of second language classes as a requirement from the start. Kindergarten on up. I find it a joke. And a setup for lack of worldwide failure for our people. Holding us back In my opinion. America and it's closed minded people. And this is just English Here, I'm not even going to talk about closed minded America and issues such as gay rights or religion etc...!

I guess that's all. Speak what-ever language you want-*And* if you want to be successful here in anything you do-speak our language well too ;-) But I wish people would stop hating on folks just cuz they can't speak it.
I would add that if you were in their homeland you probably couldn't speak their language-but the obvious retort to this is-"well Im not there-We are Here*-so it doesn't matter..."

A.B.

I Enjoyed our conversation today, even if it was not of a happy nature.

Amanda

The Brighter Side.

   I didn't want to come and write yesterday and be all, "I have good News!" about it. But the OM and I spoke finally Sunday night. Awkwardly also might I add. It's weird to go back and forth in a domestic relationship like this. One year you're close, and loving-the next roommates.
   We hit our latest ebb after i became pregnant with our 3rd child. I love my spawn with a fierce vengeance-and i would* kill for them. Let's make this clear before I go on. I would love another child with the same.(And i most definitely do!) But I didn't want a third child. He did. He'd always said so. And I think over the years we both thought we would wear the other down about it. Well, my older 2 kids are of the age where they were gaining personal independence. I was losing weight again, and feeling like 'myself' again. the person I was before I became a mom. The two were merging and the full on mommy was going back into hibernation.
    And then it happened. I was pregnant. I was truthfully devastated. And in denial as well! I was almost 30, and the few months I had started to feel whole again, washed away in an instant at the thought of having to be someone's everything again for the next 5 years. I can't explain myself to make anyone understand any better. You either get it or you don't. And I was sad. I was sad for almost about 1/2 of the pregnancy before I was finally able to turn myself around. Emotionally/mentally. But thankfully it did happen, and that little life growing inside of me finally won me over. She won me over-and i couldn't wait for her to get the hell here so we could just start already! That's all I ever said about her-"I wish she would just get here, and we can get this party started!!"
   In The meantime however. OM and I grew farther apart as an actual couple. It's the worst time to feel 'single' when you are going through such a large change physically and emotionally. Except this time-#3, It was the worst it had even gotten. I lamented about it here on my blog. In quite a few posts. I couldn't express myself to him, but felt really good writing it down, rather than the usual of, all-consuming-thoughts invading my mind relentlessly. Perhaps they should have been kept in a private journal. But then what's the point of the public blog, If i keep all of my deeply personal feelings hidden, and lie about what I'm going through, with false entries? I couldn't even begin to try-I even posted about it!
   So you might be asking yourself so far down these ramblings-"where the hell is the Good News?" Well, that's just it. The news in that we spoke. sounds so small. but at the same time, it was just talking-it wasn't yelling either. I think for once i was able to say what i mean and mean what i say. I laid it all out for him to make his choices. It sounds hopeful. This is Good News to me. We'll see how things play out in the coming weeks. I think it will be transparent just how much this means to him. It will either be taken seriously-or not. Then i will just how serious I am about it. Im not sure what kind of 'cap' can be placed on our situation. I'll just be playing things by ear for now. But I'm hopeful again. And that's all I can ask for at the moment.
   I'm not sure how all of this will play out in my blog. How frequently i will venture over here, and what the subject of my future posts will be. But i hope they get back to more upbeat ones soon. Cuz I'm truly tired of the sadness.
   And for what it's worth, It probably doesn't matter much what i post-because I'm pretty sure I'm my only reader! In which case-It really IS like a personal journal!

    Ciao! or now!

Sorry.

   I haven't been able to bring myself here to blog about unhappiness lately. I thought I'd be back sooner with more upbeat posts. But ya know-nothing upbeat has happened yet. This brings me down more. I must go now. lol. Check in again soon.

I WILL NOT Cook.

   This will not escape me. So i must put words to it. It baffles my Mother in Law and Sister In Law to no end that I was That girl. Way back when, almost a decade ago-long before having children. That I would incessantly remind them I was never cooking. And that the man i marry would have to understand i loathe cooking-and only did the minimal to sustain myself. That the man i married would have to fend for himself.

   Loathe

   Then i Had a child. And as he grew i needed to feed him. It was difficult. Suddenly being responsible to feed this human being 3 square meals a day-EVERY day for the rest of his childhood years...ok-well at least till they can poor the cereal and milk them self-right?! Anyway. LOATHE. Hated it. Made angry faces over it in fact. That because I'm the one 'home' this would be my duty. Didn't these men in my house understand?! I HATE COOKING. But it persisted. Them wanting food. Hot. Edible. Me doing the least i could. Persuading Travis to take over a meal here and there.
   I then had my second child. dear Jalynn, when Elijah was just about to turn 2. And it (dinner) was a habit at this point. So it was easy to make the baby-toddler transition this time around. The years have rolled by. Our meal slowly becoming more sophisticated. More healthy, less processed. still hating being the cook but not having a choice otherwise-Im not a parent who would allow such degradation of my kids health just to sustain my laziness in this field. It's been truly hard to figure all this out on my own.
    I also loathe processed foods for the most part-but struggle with the addiction so many of us have to their salty/sweet persuasions...
   I've become more confident over this last year. At the beginning of 2009 i found out i was having my 3rd child.  I was still sort of unhealthy, being a smoker-I quit right away-hopefully for good this time. Its been over a year now since i quit. Being pregnant one more time-something happened inside me. My body recognized I wasn't giving it foods to support the growth of a healthy baby. And it changed my cravings. I finally got the kick to go even healthier than I had ever before. I found myself in the produce department week after week, letting Marlo inside my belly decide what healthy fresh food she wanted to try next, and it blossomed from there into our healthier, more adventurous meals. Packing snacks for the kids lunch's became slightly easier too.

   Now don't go and let this healthy food love post have any affect on you-because i still don't love cooking. But I've grown up, and have stopped fighting it. lol. And I'm not so hesitant to try things out anymore. I can do it. I'm just not enjoying it. You can't make me enjoy the making of the incredible food i provide. You CAN'T! It's incredible because i just rock. And like i said-I don't have choice-i must feed thy family health. I might 'miss' the first time i ever make something, but you can bet it kicks ass the next.
   

3 minutes/180 seconds

   Well back in obsequious mode. 
   I'm almost robot like i think. A few days of overwhelming feelings and I'm back to the daily grind almost unfazed by my own sorrow. It doesn't ever just go away. It just becomes bearable again.
   The plan i spoke of last post hasn't had it's chance to come to head yet. I still have time for this. Right now the atmosphere in my home is almost* normal. There are no snide remarks being made. No jumping down each others throats for nothing. A greater tolerance for the childrens mischievous ways.
   I think i much prefer to keep the peace just a smidge longer before i open a can of worms that need baiting.

   Now to ignore the general tone of my last few entries-Some randomness for your day.

   If you leave a room with a sleeping baby to do something-like say laundry. And the laundry room is say-outside the house-off a garage or just generally not where you could hear the baby if needed. This chore takes roughly 10 minutes? You are essentially leaving your baby alone right? but we do it anyway-cuz something like laundry needs doing...yes? even if this particular scenario doesn't fit your life-I'm sure there is one you could make a comparison with.
   Ok-so we've made it clear-this is leaving baby alone right? Well,  what is you left the baby with her 5 year old sister while baby was sleeping? Greater confidence that baby will at least get a friendly face if she wakes-yes? Not so guilty feeling when you go to make the "switch" right?
  What if you got in your car instead?   Laundry takes a given 5-10 minutes each trip right-well today-my baby was sleeping for mere minutes when i had to take my son to school this morning. This happened to me yesterday too. Except here is the difference. Yesterday i got her up and in her car seat. Yesterday she had a terrible cranky fussy day because she was woken after such a brief respite. Today? Today i locked both children in the house for a time of 3 minutes total and got in my car and shot dear son to school in a flash. Guilty? of coarse. Confident that nothing would happen in those 3 minutes? Very. 3 minutes. Literally. I timed it. It would have taken longer to get them all in the car or walk then it did to just quickly drive him to the school's door. Longer even is the laundry when I have it to do. And my baby was still sleeping when i returned! Had the baby been completely alone-i wouldn't have done this. But my 5 year old is very capable of replacing a pacifier if needed. Or offering a friendly face of smiles until the momma could come.
   I also just read This article. I really don't feel bad anymore about something that might happen again or might not, ya know?
   what have you justified doing as a parent for the greater good?

Suddenly

"Where once i thought that the love of my children was the only love i needed to keep me going, suddenly it's no longer enough at all." ~me.

 Here's the deal. After days of more insight into myself. More reflecting over my feelings, Ive come to realize-that not only is the above true, but that i think what i am missing the most out of life right now-is the security of knowing someone truly understands me. Gets me. And here i thought that is what i had. But as sad as i am to say it-I don't. My partner mustn't know who i am or understand the way i tick-for surely we would not be where we are right now. It breaks my heart to admit it finally to myself after quite some time of denial.

I have some ideas of what might happen/occur next in my plan of action. and if it formulates how i hope it will, I'll be back with a peppier attitude. I promise.

I Can't Be

Am I the only one? The only person who feels this way? I don't want to, nor could i open up about my feelings in a proper manner. If i try to explain myself to someone-nothing that comes out of my mouth makes sense to me. Words. Words Words Words. That's all they are.
This blog has taken a rather personal turn. I hadn't intended on that happening. But i find myself not coming here often enough to write, because the stuff i keep putting in words-doesn't feel true. It's not what i want to write, but i want to write none the less. Im scared to put how i feel in the open. For fear of its repercussions. I guess im biting the bullet here, and feeling like-maybe there is no one im telling this all too-so it makes it less scary.
Ive come to revelations in my life these last few months, and year-and it makes it hard to come here and pretend to be happy about posting recipes, when all i want to do is disapear, and hide in a hole.
Write about how i feel less than whole. Not like i mattered in any significance to this world itself. Not to the people i know. To the world in general.
When i try to put into words on a keyboard or in spoken words, how im feeling-i always second guess what ive spoken a loud. I end up sounding confusing perhaps. And then i make it worse in my head, and convince myself im babbling, and know one could ever be as mixed up inside as myself. No one so utterly confused for so many years. I feel like i am empty inside from so much internal chaos.
I dont know who i am, and i think i never will. I have many titles. But they aren't who i am. But then how could i say that when i don't even know who i am? Will i walk this earth for my eternity and never feel complete? That nothing Ive ever done mattered?
It's a heavy weight Ive felt on my shoulders, and it's slowing shrinking me, every minute of the day.

~Anonymous?

What do you do when you feel worthless?
When you want to cease, but know you can't?
When you have lives that depend on you?
Where you're on the verge of tears at every second.
When you want to stop living for someone else and just want to be.
Hollow and sad. Empty. Unloved.
Needed.
~Anonymous.

It deserved a voice.

Can't Imagine

   You just can't possibly Imagine how busy I have been! Personal family issues, among other things, have kept me from posting often. But I'll be back soon enough with stories of nothingness to rattle off im sure!

   Made some kick ass recipes last week. Found a Jar pasta sauce everyone enjoys-got the Old Man to eat leftovers.3.Nights.In.A.Row!
   
   Caio!

To the Anti-Babywearer

   **Copied & edited to fit blog perimeter from a comment i left on a forum i frequent**

   All a new mom wants to do is snuggle with her baby all day long. But the realities of life and its demands require that we function in life and leave our cozy nests.

   With the aid of any carrier deemed safe for a newborn-it allows us to snuggle our newborns all day long and still get the things done in life we need to get done.

   Addressing concerns of creating a clingy child: As the child grows, each child's clingy-ness is it own, and part of their personality. Not something the carrier enforced. And if you have a child that is active-you will start to see a decrease in the amount of time the child will let you "wear" him/her. If you child likes to be close, and the mother is willing-then a safe carrier can accommodate until toddler-hood.

   Whether you "Wear" you child or not-you will never escape the "Up" phase a lot of children go through.

   WIN/WIN in my book if you ask me :)

What Makes Her Happy

   Lately, my just-turned-4mo.-old is satisfied by nothing. Frustrating to say the least. I wear her most days at least once, so we can  be close. If she's having a tough day. But my schedule doesn't allow for it as often as i like. Like right now, she is very upset, and all i can do is hold her. Because we have to load up and go pick up her sister at school in 13 minutes.
   Even when she is hungry she is not happy to receive a bottle. Tired? No mere nap will do. She who rarely sleeps more than 30 minutes at a time. Toys? Seconds of pleasure before fussiness sets in.
   She seemed to have a schedule of her own, but now I am lost to her ways. Where once she slept through the night-waking once before the day begins-she now wakes almost every hour and has to be soothed back to sleep. Needing that middle-of-the-night-bottle long before she should, and wanting the day to begin before the sun because of it. I find myself pulling her into bed with myself just to get more than an hour of solid sleep.
   I'm sure it must just be a growth spurt. But it makes my heart ache. I am the one who makes her happy-but she is not.
   How does a mother reconcile with this-when it is her job? All I want is for my beautiful cheer filled baby to come back. Please let the cranky one return to her depths soon.

Oh yeah-and can you tell her to let me get in a shower now and then too?! I have to go out in public, and people are not seeing the real me anymore.

I have an Addiction.

   Hi. My name is Amanda, and I'm addicted to the Internet.

{Internet World}- "HI AMANDA"

   I Don't  have a 'real' addiction though. It is just ingrained in my daily doings. Just as im sure it is a part of most of yours as well.
   If I'm at home, and not actually doing anything, i.e. cleaning, cooking, playing- Im at my computer. It's my 'default' setting if you will. my spot. Just like any other spot in a home. The couch, or kitchen chair. A recliner maybe. Mine is my computer chair. and why  not surf some of my favorite places while I'm here right? Just as any one might pick up a TV remote, and start surfing their favorite channels. It's no worse, no better. OK, maybe better-because I'm exposing my self to more educational material than the TV can. Plus-I'm doing a shit load more READING than your average couch potato. And at least I'm not letting useless info poor into my mind the way television does.
   So I've decided that from now on, I won't let it bother me when an uninformed family member/ignoramus tries to make me look bad or guilty about the amount of time i spend on the computer. Or if I talk about something I "must have gotten off 'My Internet'" like it isn't valid or ascertainable information. In my own opinion, the Internet has far more believable information than you local news station does.
   I'm done defending myself. And I'm forgiving myself ahead of time for maybe being curt with above mentioned people should i hear their remarks again anytime soon. *Winks*

Tell me internet. What's something you're done feeling guilty about?

The Car Seat

   Im very sad to say-Travis is returning to work. Sad mostly for my infant-and having to spend her days in her car seat. I wish we didnt have to get in and out of the car so often everyday.
   On a slow day it's 4 times we get in and out of the car. 5.Days.A.Week. this does not include any extra appointments, or trips to stores...or even visiting around town to say, friends and family! That's just school drop offs and pick-ups! I cant wait till warmer weather and we can walk more often. I'll wear her then. In my baby carriers. Until then, I'm working on my arm muscles!
  
   So, as i mentioned-Travis going back to work. He spent the majority of February, and the first week of March-here at home. This has never happened in all the years he has worked for his current boss. So it was odd to say the least. But cool at the same time. We could each come and go as we pleased-knowing that someone was there to sit with the baby so she didnt have to bundle up for a measly insignificant trip. Taking turns getting the kids to and from school. It was nice sharing the duties.
 
   But now im back on my own again! The daily grind. Is it spring yet?!

It's That Special Time of Year

   Along with my birthday, comes school vacation. I'm not a mom who despises these days. I enjoy vegging with my family. Taking it easy and enjoying their company~while we do our own thing lol. sure there is the bickering between the older children. sure nerves get shot, and limits get tested from so much closeness...but we aren't all so busy and consumed by what we have going on to appreciate each other either when we are on vacation.
   Usually it would just be me and the kids to enjoy this time. But this time around the O.M. is with us too. Its not a good thing he's here even if it like a vaca for him. it's hard. He isn't bringing in any money right now. this is the longest layoff we have ever experienced. in the month of February-the shortest month of the year-he has worked 7 days. It is the 23rd of February and my Old Man has worked SEVEN of these days. There will once again be a year of no saving, because the savings we would have put away-will be used to pay the bills O.M.'s (lack-there-of) paychecks didn't cover.
   We'll be fine. It just stinks to keep trying to put yourself in a position of bettering yourself, and you cant ever catch that break to get started!!
   The word around the proverbial cooler is that he will be going back again on Wednesday. but that doesn't guarantee he will finish out the week-or that he will even work at all next week either...day to day. Waiting and willing the weather to get nicer so the outdoor portions of the current site can be finished...or that bids finally go through on jobs they are hoping to get...fingers crossed here folks!!

Well, Well, Well...

   What do we have here?

SURPRISE!!! 

   So, Yeah-That's Old Man and I up there. At my SURPRISE party! It was a FANTASTIC night! Best Birthday so far!
   And that last one there-that's 30 year old ME. CHeese :)

30

   Well, People...

   It's my Birthday! I Love my Birthday-I milk it for all its worth.I don't have much else to say about it though ;) I let it speak for itself.
   In other areas things aren't so great, but I'm forgetting it all till at least Monday morning. And you know what my Big Fat Gift is...More time off from having to get the kids to school...yes my birthday is followed up by school vacation this year :)) and all this week thats ending now, Travis has been home, and willingly walking Elijah to school every morning, and walking to pick him back up too. Marlo hasnt had to enter her car seat but maybe two times this week! that's always a plus-not having to lug her around in it. I would much prefer to wear her for the walk to the school, but its still too damn cold.
 
   ...a couple more weeks...

   At the tail end of my Birthday weekend, we'll be making our first trip to Maine since the birth of Marlo. Visiting with my family...My Papa will be making a big Turkey dinner in recognition of all missed holidays and birthdays! It will only be for a few short hours before we head back home, but it's always a great time!

   I hope anyone who stumbled to my blog and read it has a wonderful weekend too :) cheer!!

Politics

   The Only thing that can wreck a potentially good debate-is when your opponent refuses to see your side like you are willing to see theirs.

   And them tell them why they are wrong. 

   O.o

What a Love filled Sunday

   And by Love filled, I mean Food. HA!


   You of coarse will remember that we do our Traditional Sunday Morning Breakfast any chance we get. But today was a Hallmark Valentines day. So besides sweet treats, we also indulged in some unusual entrees today. I wont lie, I hate cooking, but I LOVE food :) and I'm often consumed by food blogs, and food porn. And by food porn, I mean my favorite food pic/recipe finding site, FoodGawker. (go on and find the handy little link over on the right of the screen if you've never experienced the food porn that is FoodGawker-and by all means, if you know of another great site that's similar-drop me a comment :)
   After brunch today our late lunch came courtesy of the Noble Pig. Baked Eggs in Bread Bowls. Except I don't have the money for fancy herbs and stuff, so I skipped on them. Instead my egg bowls went something like this: Local grocer's bakery onion poppy dinner rolls, lined with a piece of deli ham. Then I cracked my eggs into a bowl one at a time, just so I didn't accidentally have to fish out a stray shell.  Here is the part i forgot about-but meant to do-a few drops of cream in each from the original recipe-but mine were fine w/o anyway. On top of the egg, a grind of sea salt & pepper, and some paprika! A sprinkling of Parmesan & whatever other shredded you have and bake according to original recipe. At the end when you add the tops back to the baking sheet, i tossed on a half a slice of pepper jack on the Old Man's & Mine :) Mmmm...
   Dinner, well a family favorite in our house happens to be tacos.  But ya know-as much as i love them, i wanted to do it different. So because it's a "Holiday" we're switching things up and we are gonna do it Nacho Style! Some tasty tortilla chips loaded with taco seasoned hamburger, re-fried beans, tomato's, lettuce, olives, avocado, sour cream, jalapenos, cheese..I cant wait-I gotta go start the cooking now folks!

   I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday like I did!

Someone Else's Chili

   That's the name I've decided to give it :) 

   I am a sort of Sandra Lee style cook, cept instead of doing half easy/half homemade, i add in a pinch of 'change-the-recipe' to suit my family. I find it hard to follow a recipe to the T. 

   So this chili recipe came from a 'friend-of-a-friend'. And seeing as though i just got my Crock Pot for Christmas this past season, I'm new at it! I'm still tweaking to Our taste, but for now-this is what's in it. Served with fixin's on the side.

   Someone Else's Chili

2-3lbs. ground hamburger/turkey-your preference
1 jar Ragu sauce
1 can stewed tomatos
2 cans of kidney beans
2 cans of condenced tomato soup(but you'll only need one and a half)
1 packet of chili mix powder (found usually with other slow cooker packets, or gravy packets) 
 some chopped onion, some green pepper, some garlic, salt & pepper

*Fixin's*
Fritos Corn Chips or tortilla strips
sour cream
hot sauce?
shredded cheese
Bread w/ butter?

   can you think of anything else? 

   To start, brown your meat in a skillet with your chopped onion and garlic and salt & pepper to taste. Once browned, drain. While the meat is cooking though-start opening your jars and cans and add them to your crock pot (i like to rinse my beans first). Including the packet of chili seasoning. When you get to the 2 soup cans, you want to add one full can plus its equal can of water-then get rid of half the second can, and add water to make it a full can, then add it. We're just trying to eliminate it being too liquidy. Then chop up your green pepper (i only had a half of one) and throw that in the crock. Turn you crock pot on high or low to get it warming up. (the chili packet says 4 hours on high-or 8 on low~I do 3 on high-then 3 on low!) Once your meat is browned and drained, add it to your sauce & beans in the crock and wait :)

   ~Enjoy!

   P.S. if it seems to liquidy still at the end half hour of cooking-remove the cover and return to HIGH setting till it reaches desired consistency.

  

Everything In The Cupboard

Today i made my cereal treats. And they really are anything in your cupboard treats. There are some staples to start with, and all measurements are subject to change depending on on how much you're adding to the dry ingredients.
These are great for any 'ol day! Great for a school event, a snowy day-or a lazy weekend, a holiday get together...any time!

Amanda's Everything In The Cupboard Cereal Treats

1 to 1-1/2 cups semi-sweet morsels
1 to 1-1/2 cups white chocolate morsels
spoonful EACH* of Nutella & Peanut Butter-smooth or crunchy (optional)

3-4 cups of your favorite healthy cereal (I use a mix of both Cheerio's & Kix)
* also optional- One cup of nuts (I use pecans)
* flaked sweetened coconut

* wax/parchment to line
* something close to a 9x13 vessel, can be smaller though.

You could melt the chocolates, peanut butter & Nutella over a double boiler if you wanted to-but im lazy. So I do mine in the microwave. Take the Chocolates, peanut butter and Nutella all in a bowl and microwave for 1 minute-STIR-microwave for another minute, and you should be ready to add and stir it into all of your dry ingredients already mixed up in a separate larger bowl. Once you mixture is completely mixed through-transfer to your vessel, and stick in the fridge to cool. Once cooled either break apart to smaller pieces, or slice.

Enjoy :)

Monday Random.

Sooooo....I was just in my kitchen making Cheeks her lunchtime bub, when my eyes lingered on the collection of fruit-stickers on the edge of my sink. You know the ones. The stickers you have to peel off your fruit before consuming said fruit.
Well I realized, maybe it's odd that I actually have this 'collection'. In fact I know it's odd lol! Why do I have this weird sticker collection? on the edge of my sink? I do it when I'm rinsing the fruit clean...why I never walk it to the trash at some point I'll never know!

In other (crappy) news around casa de la Little Stars, Old Man had a 4 day weekend, not by choice (He's a commercial painter & there currently isn't enough work to be done-fingers crossed there is work tomorrow!)...which has enabled me to get things done i was too lazy to do over the weekend :) ...including but not limited to-putting a roast in the crock, and finally getting my formula-drool covered sleepy wrap in the wash! YAY! CleanWrap!

How bout you? What sort of stuff you got going on? Did some misfortune turn out Okay for you? (slightly okay-his ass better be back to work tomorrow!) Any Oddities lurking behind your doors?!

It's Sunday Ya'll!!

Let me start this one by saying-I got to sleep in till EIGHT AM THIS MORNING!! WOO!!
That's the latest since i had Cheeks (McGee) almost 3 months ago! small wins mean everything to a mom.

Now onto the not-so-small loses...My Saturday turned into something other than the day it is intended for in my house. I got nothing accomplished that i was suppose to. My family went in all different directions, and i was left for the remainder of the afternoon/night to myself and Cheeks.
It started mid-morning, as i would have normally gotten myself out the door. My 5yr old was invited to a birthday sleepover with her favorite cousin. Then my lovely sister-in-law (yes i call her SIL, because O.M. and i have been together for 9 yrs-Common Law, Common Law!) calls us up and invites O.M. and Elijah out to Pats Peak (sp?) for snowboarding/tubing/skiing all in one! At Night!
So by afternoon, I'm scrambling to get two kids ready to go in two different directions, rather than heading off to do my errands. I don't like to be rushed. I will admit I had a small hour i could have tried to get my errands done, but i wouldn't have made it and I'm glad I didn't try. Everyone in my home was gone by 1:30p and it was just Marlo & I.

We didn't do a damn thing but hang!

So now my Lazy Sunday has been shifted into a busy day. Jalynn isn't here, so breakfast is out-especially since i don't have any fresh fruit. O.M. and i spoke about how we could do a FULL-ON breakfast with all the works with the ingredients in the cupboards, but as of (*looks @ clock*) 8:53-all he's done is make a cup of coffee...looks like no bacon, or sausage, or pecan sticky buns...the only thing we are really missing is the O.J. & fresh fruit...(those breakfast items we do have are because we are highly fond of breakfast for dinner!)

Besides, Elijah is still sleeping anyway, & Jalynn obviously isn't home yet either-the boys are both going to be very sore today...(HA!)

I guess i could leave you with a recipe of one of my go-to meals found at the ModernMatriarch's food blog-Chop.Stir.Mix. Its an Egg/Breakfast Bake, that i have modified in many a different ways from her original recipe...but do it how you like it! Enjoy!

Chop.Stir.Mix. (Breakfast Bake)

I'm Up-Are You?

What-you might ask, am i doing up at 7:30 on a Saturday morning blogging for? HAHA, the life of a mom! at least this one anyway! Truth of the matter is that ive actually been up since SIX thirty! (on a Saturday morning!)
Had this been a little over a year ago, i would most likely still be snoozing...because i had the life of a mom who's kids were self sufficient enough to pour their own Cinnamon Toast Crunch...but im a fool, and decided to go ahead and have that 3rd baby-(i wanted to keep hidden in my loins forever)...and here i sit!
Im barely 3 months out on the two years it's going to take to recover from having another baby. (thanks Hormones! *SQUEE*) But, DAMN am i so relieved to have my body back! now if we can work on that pesky sleep...

So, like the subtitle says, how about a bit of random? Because im not the sort to stick to one subject...

Today is my "Do-It-All" day....(im the super woman of this gig, ya know) I opt out of shopping with my kids thanks. sure they can behave in public, im pretty sure anyway-see cuz i dont ever go in a store with them unless it cant be avoided! So when the Old Man (O.M.) ( & by Old Man, i really mean my dear wretched fiance Travis-9yrs) is finally home on Saturday, i do it all-Groceries, Walmart shopping, and any other lame thing that i need to take care of that i have to wait to be free of the kids. Or that Ive put off all week (cough-Laundry, cough cough, dishes...)
Look-they are lucky they get a hot cooked meal. (60% of the time) Im in Survival mode here!
The World might end if i can't get to the grocery store on a Saturday. At least that's what my kids think. So when the Old Man works on the weekends, you can bet this day is rather tricky to pull off! And the groceries must be done on Saturday, because the bags must contain the ingredients for our...

"Sunday Morning Breakfast"

The one morning meal we can ALL be together for (usually-sometimes O.M. picks up extra work on BOTH weekend days-he's a glutton for punishment) It's my favorite day. Sunday. Day of rest. I do NOTHING if i can help it besides this breakfast! Generally consisting of a bakery item, fresh fruit, sausage, with juice & coffee....AH lazy day...
Then I follow it up with a nice Lazy Monday! LOL! I HATE Mondays! If i can help it-i plan nothing but the kids getting to school on this day too :)

...and because Ive been single-handedly taking care of the lovelies this morning, little Marlo is already set to take her first nap at 8:30am, while O.M. is still sleeping...

Here's hoping you all enjoy your weekend. Cheers :)

Amanda

The First Time

Ive always wanted a blog, but never had the courage to do it. well today, busier than ever before i figured i had to bite the bullet and do it. i cant quite say how often I'll make it here to post, but i love to write!

I think my content might include personal stories, pictures of my family, and link to content on the web i find enjoyable or useful.

Things about me: i overuse the dot.dot.dot., and the smiley faces, and the word 'So'.
I'm a stressed-out stay at home mom to 3 wonderful kids! My oldest son is Elijah and he is 7. i had him when i was 22. my middle is my sweet girl Jalynn who is 5, and rounding out the heard is little baby girl Marlo aka; Cheeks McGee. (Now some in the blog world might recognize that last name there, and in the near future if someone is truly interested in the story of how i decided to use it, i will probably do a post on it. i just don't want to jumble this first post with a sidetrack story (insert smiley face) :)

Let me also just add, that setting this blog up is no easy feat.

there's so many random things about myself i could add to this post, but I'll save the crazy for another time!

...crazy like cookoo, not crazy like a good time! HA!

this blog thing might be fun :) Happy Friday!