This will not escape me. So i must put words to it. It baffles my Mother in Law and Sister In Law to no end that I was That girl. Way back when, almost a decade ago-long before having children. That I would incessantly remind them I was never cooking. And that the man i marry would have to understand i loathe cooking-and only did the minimal to sustain myself. That the man i married would have to fend for himself.
Loathe
Then i Had a child. And as he grew i needed to feed him. It was difficult. Suddenly being responsible to feed this human being 3 square meals a day-EVERY day for the rest of his childhood years...ok-well at least till they can poor the cereal and milk them self-right?! Anyway. LOATHE. Hated it. Made angry faces over it in fact. That because I'm the one 'home' this would be my duty. Didn't these men in my house understand?! I HATE COOKING. But it persisted. Them wanting food. Hot. Edible. Me doing the least i could. Persuading Travis to take over a meal here and there.
I then had my second child. dear Jalynn, when Elijah was just about to turn 2. And it (dinner) was a habit at this point. So it was easy to make the baby-toddler transition this time around. The years have rolled by. Our meal slowly becoming more sophisticated. More healthy, less processed. still hating being the cook but not having a choice otherwise-Im not a parent who would allow such degradation of my kids health just to sustain my laziness in this field. It's been truly hard to figure all this out on my own.
I also loathe processed foods for the most part-but struggle with the addiction so many of us have to their salty/sweet persuasions...
I've become more confident over this last year. At the beginning of 2009 i found out i was having my 3rd child. I was still sort of unhealthy, being a smoker-I quit right away-hopefully for good this time. Its been over a year now since i quit. Being pregnant one more time-something happened inside me. My body recognized I wasn't giving it foods to support the growth of a healthy baby. And it changed my cravings. I finally got the kick to go even healthier than I had ever before. I found myself in the produce department week after week, letting Marlo inside my belly decide what healthy fresh food she wanted to try next, and it blossomed from there into our healthier, more adventurous meals. Packing snacks for the kids lunch's became slightly easier too.
Now don't go and let this healthy food love post have any affect on you-because i still don't love cooking. But I've grown up, and have stopped fighting it. lol. And I'm not so hesitant to try things out anymore. I can do it. I'm just not enjoying it. You can't make me enjoy the making of the incredible food i provide. You CAN'T! It's incredible because i just rock. And like i said-I don't have choice-i must feed thy family health. I might 'miss' the first time i ever make something, but you can bet it kicks ass the next.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
3 minutes/180 seconds
Well back in obsequious mode.
I'm almost robot like i think. A few days of overwhelming feelings and I'm back to the daily grind almost unfazed by my own sorrow. It doesn't ever just go away. It just becomes bearable again.
The plan i spoke of last post hasn't had it's chance to come to head yet. I still have time for this. Right now the atmosphere in my home is almost* normal. There are no snide remarks being made. No jumping down each others throats for nothing. A greater tolerance for the childrens mischievous ways.
I think i much prefer to keep the peace just a smidge longer before i open a can of worms that need baiting.
Now to ignore the general tone of my last few entries-Some randomness for your day.
If you leave a room with a sleeping baby to do something-like say laundry. And the laundry room is say-outside the house-off a garage or just generally not where you could hear the baby if needed. This chore takes roughly 10 minutes? You are essentially leaving your baby alone right? but we do it anyway-cuz something like laundry needs doing...yes? even if this particular scenario doesn't fit your life-I'm sure there is one you could make a comparison with.
Ok-so we've made it clear-this is leaving baby alone right? Well, what is you left the baby with her 5 year old sister while baby was sleeping? Greater confidence that baby will at least get a friendly face if she wakes-yes? Not so guilty feeling when you go to make the "switch" right?
What if you got in your car instead? Laundry takes a given 5-10 minutes each trip right-well today-my baby was sleeping for mere minutes when i had to take my son to school this morning. This happened to me yesterday too. Except here is the difference. Yesterday i got her up and in her car seat. Yesterday she had a terrible cranky fussy day because she was woken after such a brief respite. Today? Today i locked both children in the house for a time of 3 minutes total and got in my car and shot dear son to school in a flash. Guilty? of coarse. Confident that nothing would happen in those 3 minutes? Very. 3 minutes. Literally. I timed it. It would have taken longer to get them all in the car or walk then it did to just quickly drive him to the school's door. Longer even is the laundry when I have it to do. And my baby was still sleeping when i returned! Had the baby been completely alone-i wouldn't have done this. But my 5 year old is very capable of replacing a pacifier if needed. Or offering a friendly face of smiles until the momma could come.
I also just read This article. I really don't feel bad anymore about something that might happen again or might not, ya know?
what have you justified doing as a parent for the greater good?
I'm almost robot like i think. A few days of overwhelming feelings and I'm back to the daily grind almost unfazed by my own sorrow. It doesn't ever just go away. It just becomes bearable again.
The plan i spoke of last post hasn't had it's chance to come to head yet. I still have time for this. Right now the atmosphere in my home is almost* normal. There are no snide remarks being made. No jumping down each others throats for nothing. A greater tolerance for the childrens mischievous ways.
I think i much prefer to keep the peace just a smidge longer before i open a can of worms that need baiting.
Now to ignore the general tone of my last few entries-Some randomness for your day.
If you leave a room with a sleeping baby to do something-like say laundry. And the laundry room is say-outside the house-off a garage or just generally not where you could hear the baby if needed. This chore takes roughly 10 minutes? You are essentially leaving your baby alone right? but we do it anyway-cuz something like laundry needs doing...yes? even if this particular scenario doesn't fit your life-I'm sure there is one you could make a comparison with.
Ok-so we've made it clear-this is leaving baby alone right? Well, what is you left the baby with her 5 year old sister while baby was sleeping? Greater confidence that baby will at least get a friendly face if she wakes-yes? Not so guilty feeling when you go to make the "switch" right?
What if you got in your car instead? Laundry takes a given 5-10 minutes each trip right-well today-my baby was sleeping for mere minutes when i had to take my son to school this morning. This happened to me yesterday too. Except here is the difference. Yesterday i got her up and in her car seat. Yesterday she had a terrible cranky fussy day because she was woken after such a brief respite. Today? Today i locked both children in the house for a time of 3 minutes total and got in my car and shot dear son to school in a flash. Guilty? of coarse. Confident that nothing would happen in those 3 minutes? Very. 3 minutes. Literally. I timed it. It would have taken longer to get them all in the car or walk then it did to just quickly drive him to the school's door. Longer even is the laundry when I have it to do. And my baby was still sleeping when i returned! Had the baby been completely alone-i wouldn't have done this. But my 5 year old is very capable of replacing a pacifier if needed. Or offering a friendly face of smiles until the momma could come.
I also just read This article. I really don't feel bad anymore about something that might happen again or might not, ya know?
what have you justified doing as a parent for the greater good?
Monday, April 5, 2010
Suddenly
"Where once i thought that the love of my children was the only love i needed to keep me going, suddenly it's no longer enough at all." ~me.
Here's the deal. After days of more insight into myself. More reflecting over my feelings, Ive come to realize-that not only is the above true, but that i think what i am missing the most out of life right now-is the security of knowing someone truly understands me. Gets me. And here i thought that is what i had. But as sad as i am to say it-I don't. My partner mustn't know who i am or understand the way i tick-for surely we would not be where we are right now. It breaks my heart to admit it finally to myself after quite some time of denial.
I have some ideas of what might happen/occur next in my plan of action. and if it formulates how i hope it will, I'll be back with a peppier attitude. I promise.
Here's the deal. After days of more insight into myself. More reflecting over my feelings, Ive come to realize-that not only is the above true, but that i think what i am missing the most out of life right now-is the security of knowing someone truly understands me. Gets me. And here i thought that is what i had. But as sad as i am to say it-I don't. My partner mustn't know who i am or understand the way i tick-for surely we would not be where we are right now. It breaks my heart to admit it finally to myself after quite some time of denial.
I have some ideas of what might happen/occur next in my plan of action. and if it formulates how i hope it will, I'll be back with a peppier attitude. I promise.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I Can't Be
Am I the only one? The only person who feels this way? I don't want to, nor could i open up about my feelings in a proper manner. If i try to explain myself to someone-nothing that comes out of my mouth makes sense to me. Words. Words Words Words. That's all they are.
This blog has taken a rather personal turn. I hadn't intended on that happening. But i find myself not coming here often enough to write, because the stuff i keep putting in words-doesn't feel true. It's not what i want to write, but i want to write none the less. Im scared to put how i feel in the open. For fear of its repercussions. I guess im biting the bullet here, and feeling like-maybe there is no one im telling this all too-so it makes it less scary.
Ive come to revelations in my life these last few months, and year-and it makes it hard to come here and pretend to be happy about posting recipes, when all i want to do is disapear, and hide in a hole.
Write about how i feel less than whole. Not like i mattered in any significance to this world itself. Not to the people i know. To the world in general.
When i try to put into words on a keyboard or in spoken words, how im feeling-i always second guess what ive spoken a loud. I end up sounding confusing perhaps. And then i make it worse in my head, and convince myself im babbling, and know one could ever be as mixed up inside as myself. No one so utterly confused for so many years. I feel like i am empty inside from so much internal chaos.
I dont know who i am, and i think i never will. I have many titles. But they aren't who i am. But then how could i say that when i don't even know who i am? Will i walk this earth for my eternity and never feel complete? That nothing Ive ever done mattered?
It's a heavy weight Ive felt on my shoulders, and it's slowing shrinking me, every minute of the day.
This blog has taken a rather personal turn. I hadn't intended on that happening. But i find myself not coming here often enough to write, because the stuff i keep putting in words-doesn't feel true. It's not what i want to write, but i want to write none the less. Im scared to put how i feel in the open. For fear of its repercussions. I guess im biting the bullet here, and feeling like-maybe there is no one im telling this all too-so it makes it less scary.
Ive come to revelations in my life these last few months, and year-and it makes it hard to come here and pretend to be happy about posting recipes, when all i want to do is disapear, and hide in a hole.
Write about how i feel less than whole. Not like i mattered in any significance to this world itself. Not to the people i know. To the world in general.
When i try to put into words on a keyboard or in spoken words, how im feeling-i always second guess what ive spoken a loud. I end up sounding confusing perhaps. And then i make it worse in my head, and convince myself im babbling, and know one could ever be as mixed up inside as myself. No one so utterly confused for so many years. I feel like i am empty inside from so much internal chaos.
I dont know who i am, and i think i never will. I have many titles. But they aren't who i am. But then how could i say that when i don't even know who i am? Will i walk this earth for my eternity and never feel complete? That nothing Ive ever done mattered?
It's a heavy weight Ive felt on my shoulders, and it's slowing shrinking me, every minute of the day.
Friday, April 2, 2010
~Anonymous?
What do you do when you feel worthless?
When you want to cease, but know you can't?
When you have lives that depend on you?
Where you're on the verge of tears at every second.
When you want to stop living for someone else and just want to be.
Hollow and sad. Empty. Unloved.
Needed.
~Anonymous.
It deserved a voice.
When you want to cease, but know you can't?
When you have lives that depend on you?
Where you're on the verge of tears at every second.
When you want to stop living for someone else and just want to be.
Hollow and sad. Empty. Unloved.
Needed.
~Anonymous.
It deserved a voice.
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