Thursday, April 29, 2010

Can I just take a semi-political moment here?

I just feel like saying this.
I get irritated when i hear people say "This is America-Speak English" OR "If you can't speak English-Go HOME!"

Anything really pertaining to this matter is a hot button topic. And i realize this as i keep typing, that many will not agree with me-But this is how i see it.

Yes, I DO think that to make it successfully in America, it would be beneficial to speak English well.
But the diversity of our world brings to us many beautiful languages. And a great deal of the people who predominately speak another language also are taught from young to speak and/or understand English or another as a second language for life.

Why are people so rude about it? I'm sure other countries aren't segregating their foreign speaking citizens or tourists with a "speak French or go home" or "Learn Dutch or get the fuck out" mentality. They embrace the diversity. In America it's almost 'dirty' to speak a foreign language. Shame.

I think it truly a damn shame and a crime of our education system to lack the implementation of a country-wide enforcement of second language classes as a requirement from the start. Kindergarten on up. I find it a joke. And a setup for lack of worldwide failure for our people. Holding us back In my opinion. America and it's closed minded people. And this is just English Here, I'm not even going to talk about closed minded America and issues such as gay rights or religion etc...!

I guess that's all. Speak what-ever language you want-*And* if you want to be successful here in anything you do-speak our language well too ;-) But I wish people would stop hating on folks just cuz they can't speak it.
I would add that if you were in their homeland you probably couldn't speak their language-but the obvious retort to this is-"well Im not there-We are Here*-so it doesn't matter..."

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


I Enjoyed our conversation today, even if it was not of a happy nature.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Brighter Side.

   I didn't want to come and write yesterday and be all, "I have good News!" about it. But the OM and I spoke finally Sunday night. Awkwardly also might I add. It's weird to go back and forth in a domestic relationship like this. One year you're close, and loving-the next roommates.
   We hit our latest ebb after i became pregnant with our 3rd child. I love my spawn with a fierce vengeance-and i would* kill for them. Let's make this clear before I go on. I would love another child with the same.(And i most definitely do!) But I didn't want a third child. He did. He'd always said so. And I think over the years we both thought we would wear the other down about it. Well, my older 2 kids are of the age where they were gaining personal independence. I was losing weight again, and feeling like 'myself' again. the person I was before I became a mom. The two were merging and the full on mommy was going back into hibernation.
    And then it happened. I was pregnant. I was truthfully devastated. And in denial as well! I was almost 30, and the few months I had started to feel whole again, washed away in an instant at the thought of having to be someone's everything again for the next 5 years. I can't explain myself to make anyone understand any better. You either get it or you don't. And I was sad. I was sad for almost about 1/2 of the pregnancy before I was finally able to turn myself around. Emotionally/mentally. But thankfully it did happen, and that little life growing inside of me finally won me over. She won me over-and i couldn't wait for her to get the hell here so we could just start already! That's all I ever said about her-"I wish she would just get here, and we can get this party started!!"
   In The meantime however. OM and I grew farther apart as an actual couple. It's the worst time to feel 'single' when you are going through such a large change physically and emotionally. Except this time-#3, It was the worst it had even gotten. I lamented about it here on my blog. In quite a few posts. I couldn't express myself to him, but felt really good writing it down, rather than the usual of, all-consuming-thoughts invading my mind relentlessly. Perhaps they should have been kept in a private journal. But then what's the point of the public blog, If i keep all of my deeply personal feelings hidden, and lie about what I'm going through, with false entries? I couldn't even begin to try-I even posted about it!
   So you might be asking yourself so far down these ramblings-"where the hell is the Good News?" Well, that's just it. The news in that we spoke. sounds so small. but at the same time, it was just talking-it wasn't yelling either. I think for once i was able to say what i mean and mean what i say. I laid it all out for him to make his choices. It sounds hopeful. This is Good News to me. We'll see how things play out in the coming weeks. I think it will be transparent just how much this means to him. It will either be taken seriously-or not. Then i will just how serious I am about it. Im not sure what kind of 'cap' can be placed on our situation. I'll just be playing things by ear for now. But I'm hopeful again. And that's all I can ask for at the moment.
   I'm not sure how all of this will play out in my blog. How frequently i will venture over here, and what the subject of my future posts will be. But i hope they get back to more upbeat ones soon. Cuz I'm truly tired of the sadness.
   And for what it's worth, It probably doesn't matter much what i post-because I'm pretty sure I'm my only reader! In which case-It really IS like a personal journal!

    Ciao! or now!

Friday, April 23, 2010


   I haven't been able to bring myself here to blog about unhappiness lately. I thought I'd be back sooner with more upbeat posts. But ya know-nothing upbeat has happened yet. This brings me down more. I must go now. lol. Check in again soon.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


   This will not escape me. So i must put words to it. It baffles my Mother in Law and Sister In Law to no end that I was That girl. Way back when, almost a decade ago-long before having children. That I would incessantly remind them I was never cooking. And that the man i marry would have to understand i loathe cooking-and only did the minimal to sustain myself. That the man i married would have to fend for himself.


   Then i Had a child. And as he grew i needed to feed him. It was difficult. Suddenly being responsible to feed this human being 3 square meals a day-EVERY day for the rest of his childhood years...ok-well at least till they can poor the cereal and milk them self-right?! Anyway. LOATHE. Hated it. Made angry faces over it in fact. That because I'm the one 'home' this would be my duty. Didn't these men in my house understand?! I HATE COOKING. But it persisted. Them wanting food. Hot. Edible. Me doing the least i could. Persuading Travis to take over a meal here and there.
   I then had my second child. dear Jalynn, when Elijah was just about to turn 2. And it (dinner) was a habit at this point. So it was easy to make the baby-toddler transition this time around. The years have rolled by. Our meal slowly becoming more sophisticated. More healthy, less processed. still hating being the cook but not having a choice otherwise-Im not a parent who would allow such degradation of my kids health just to sustain my laziness in this field. It's been truly hard to figure all this out on my own.
    I also loathe processed foods for the most part-but struggle with the addiction so many of us have to their salty/sweet persuasions...
   I've become more confident over this last year. At the beginning of 2009 i found out i was having my 3rd child.  I was still sort of unhealthy, being a smoker-I quit right away-hopefully for good this time. Its been over a year now since i quit. Being pregnant one more time-something happened inside me. My body recognized I wasn't giving it foods to support the growth of a healthy baby. And it changed my cravings. I finally got the kick to go even healthier than I had ever before. I found myself in the produce department week after week, letting Marlo inside my belly decide what healthy fresh food she wanted to try next, and it blossomed from there into our healthier, more adventurous meals. Packing snacks for the kids lunch's became slightly easier too.

   Now don't go and let this healthy food love post have any affect on you-because i still don't love cooking. But I've grown up, and have stopped fighting it. lol. And I'm not so hesitant to try things out anymore. I can do it. I'm just not enjoying it. You can't make me enjoy the making of the incredible food i provide. You CAN'T! It's incredible because i just rock. And like i said-I don't have choice-i must feed thy family health. I might 'miss' the first time i ever make something, but you can bet it kicks ass the next.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

3 minutes/180 seconds

   Well back in obsequious mode. 
   I'm almost robot like i think. A few days of overwhelming feelings and I'm back to the daily grind almost unfazed by my own sorrow. It doesn't ever just go away. It just becomes bearable again.
   The plan i spoke of last post hasn't had it's chance to come to head yet. I still have time for this. Right now the atmosphere in my home is almost* normal. There are no snide remarks being made. No jumping down each others throats for nothing. A greater tolerance for the childrens mischievous ways.
   I think i much prefer to keep the peace just a smidge longer before i open a can of worms that need baiting.

   Now to ignore the general tone of my last few entries-Some randomness for your day.

   If you leave a room with a sleeping baby to do something-like say laundry. And the laundry room is say-outside the house-off a garage or just generally not where you could hear the baby if needed. This chore takes roughly 10 minutes? You are essentially leaving your baby alone right? but we do it anyway-cuz something like laundry needs doing...yes? even if this particular scenario doesn't fit your life-I'm sure there is one you could make a comparison with.
   Ok-so we've made it clear-this is leaving baby alone right? Well,  what is you left the baby with her 5 year old sister while baby was sleeping? Greater confidence that baby will at least get a friendly face if she wakes-yes? Not so guilty feeling when you go to make the "switch" right?
  What if you got in your car instead?   Laundry takes a given 5-10 minutes each trip right-well today-my baby was sleeping for mere minutes when i had to take my son to school this morning. This happened to me yesterday too. Except here is the difference. Yesterday i got her up and in her car seat. Yesterday she had a terrible cranky fussy day because she was woken after such a brief respite. Today? Today i locked both children in the house for a time of 3 minutes total and got in my car and shot dear son to school in a flash. Guilty? of coarse. Confident that nothing would happen in those 3 minutes? Very. 3 minutes. Literally. I timed it. It would have taken longer to get them all in the car or walk then it did to just quickly drive him to the school's door. Longer even is the laundry when I have it to do. And my baby was still sleeping when i returned! Had the baby been completely alone-i wouldn't have done this. But my 5 year old is very capable of replacing a pacifier if needed. Or offering a friendly face of smiles until the momma could come.
   I also just read This article. I really don't feel bad anymore about something that might happen again or might not, ya know?
   what have you justified doing as a parent for the greater good?

Monday, April 5, 2010


"Where once i thought that the love of my children was the only love i needed to keep me going, suddenly it's no longer enough at all." ~me.

 Here's the deal. After days of more insight into myself. More reflecting over my feelings, Ive come to realize-that not only is the above true, but that i think what i am missing the most out of life right now-is the security of knowing someone truly understands me. Gets me. And here i thought that is what i had. But as sad as i am to say it-I don't. My partner mustn't know who i am or understand the way i tick-for surely we would not be where we are right now. It breaks my heart to admit it finally to myself after quite some time of denial.

I have some ideas of what might happen/occur next in my plan of action. and if it formulates how i hope it will, I'll be back with a peppier attitude. I promise.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I Can't Be

Am I the only one? The only person who feels this way? I don't want to, nor could i open up about my feelings in a proper manner. If i try to explain myself to someone-nothing that comes out of my mouth makes sense to me. Words. Words Words Words. That's all they are.
This blog has taken a rather personal turn. I hadn't intended on that happening. But i find myself not coming here often enough to write, because the stuff i keep putting in words-doesn't feel true. It's not what i want to write, but i want to write none the less. Im scared to put how i feel in the open. For fear of its repercussions. I guess im biting the bullet here, and feeling like-maybe there is no one im telling this all too-so it makes it less scary.
Ive come to revelations in my life these last few months, and year-and it makes it hard to come here and pretend to be happy about posting recipes, when all i want to do is disapear, and hide in a hole.
Write about how i feel less than whole. Not like i mattered in any significance to this world itself. Not to the people i know. To the world in general.
When i try to put into words on a keyboard or in spoken words, how im feeling-i always second guess what ive spoken a loud. I end up sounding confusing perhaps. And then i make it worse in my head, and convince myself im babbling, and know one could ever be as mixed up inside as myself. No one so utterly confused for so many years. I feel like i am empty inside from so much internal chaos.
I dont know who i am, and i think i never will. I have many titles. But they aren't who i am. But then how could i say that when i don't even know who i am? Will i walk this earth for my eternity and never feel complete? That nothing Ive ever done mattered?
It's a heavy weight Ive felt on my shoulders, and it's slowing shrinking me, every minute of the day.

Friday, April 2, 2010


What do you do when you feel worthless?
When you want to cease, but know you can't?
When you have lives that depend on you?
Where you're on the verge of tears at every second.
When you want to stop living for someone else and just want to be.
Hollow and sad. Empty. Unloved.

It deserved a voice.