Saturday, April 3, 2010

I Can't Be

Am I the only one? The only person who feels this way? I don't want to, nor could i open up about my feelings in a proper manner. If i try to explain myself to someone-nothing that comes out of my mouth makes sense to me. Words. Words Words Words. That's all they are.
This blog has taken a rather personal turn. I hadn't intended on that happening. But i find myself not coming here often enough to write, because the stuff i keep putting in words-doesn't feel true. It's not what i want to write, but i want to write none the less. Im scared to put how i feel in the open. For fear of its repercussions. I guess im biting the bullet here, and feeling like-maybe there is no one im telling this all too-so it makes it less scary.
Ive come to revelations in my life these last few months, and year-and it makes it hard to come here and pretend to be happy about posting recipes, when all i want to do is disapear, and hide in a hole.
Write about how i feel less than whole. Not like i mattered in any significance to this world itself. Not to the people i know. To the world in general.
When i try to put into words on a keyboard or in spoken words, how im feeling-i always second guess what ive spoken a loud. I end up sounding confusing perhaps. And then i make it worse in my head, and convince myself im babbling, and know one could ever be as mixed up inside as myself. No one so utterly confused for so many years. I feel like i am empty inside from so much internal chaos.
I dont know who i am, and i think i never will. I have many titles. But they aren't who i am. But then how could i say that when i don't even know who i am? Will i walk this earth for my eternity and never feel complete? That nothing Ive ever done mattered?
It's a heavy weight Ive felt on my shoulders, and it's slowing shrinking me, every minute of the day.

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