Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Brighter Side.

   I didn't want to come and write yesterday and be all, "I have good News!" about it. But the OM and I spoke finally Sunday night. Awkwardly also might I add. It's weird to go back and forth in a domestic relationship like this. One year you're close, and loving-the next roommates.
   We hit our latest ebb after i became pregnant with our 3rd child. I love my spawn with a fierce vengeance-and i would* kill for them. Let's make this clear before I go on. I would love another child with the same.(And i most definitely do!) But I didn't want a third child. He did. He'd always said so. And I think over the years we both thought we would wear the other down about it. Well, my older 2 kids are of the age where they were gaining personal independence. I was losing weight again, and feeling like 'myself' again. the person I was before I became a mom. The two were merging and the full on mommy was going back into hibernation.
    And then it happened. I was pregnant. I was truthfully devastated. And in denial as well! I was almost 30, and the few months I had started to feel whole again, washed away in an instant at the thought of having to be someone's everything again for the next 5 years. I can't explain myself to make anyone understand any better. You either get it or you don't. And I was sad. I was sad for almost about 1/2 of the pregnancy before I was finally able to turn myself around. Emotionally/mentally. But thankfully it did happen, and that little life growing inside of me finally won me over. She won me over-and i couldn't wait for her to get the hell here so we could just start already! That's all I ever said about her-"I wish she would just get here, and we can get this party started!!"
   In The meantime however. OM and I grew farther apart as an actual couple. It's the worst time to feel 'single' when you are going through such a large change physically and emotionally. Except this time-#3, It was the worst it had even gotten. I lamented about it here on my blog. In quite a few posts. I couldn't express myself to him, but felt really good writing it down, rather than the usual of, all-consuming-thoughts invading my mind relentlessly. Perhaps they should have been kept in a private journal. But then what's the point of the public blog, If i keep all of my deeply personal feelings hidden, and lie about what I'm going through, with false entries? I couldn't even begin to try-I even posted about it!
   So you might be asking yourself so far down these ramblings-"where the hell is the Good News?" Well, that's just it. The news in that we spoke. sounds so small. but at the same time, it was just talking-it wasn't yelling either. I think for once i was able to say what i mean and mean what i say. I laid it all out for him to make his choices. It sounds hopeful. This is Good News to me. We'll see how things play out in the coming weeks. I think it will be transparent just how much this means to him. It will either be taken seriously-or not. Then i will just how serious I am about it. Im not sure what kind of 'cap' can be placed on our situation. I'll just be playing things by ear for now. But I'm hopeful again. And that's all I can ask for at the moment.
   I'm not sure how all of this will play out in my blog. How frequently i will venture over here, and what the subject of my future posts will be. But i hope they get back to more upbeat ones soon. Cuz I'm truly tired of the sadness.
   And for what it's worth, It probably doesn't matter much what i post-because I'm pretty sure I'm my only reader! In which case-It really IS like a personal journal!

    Ciao! or now!

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