Like a Book

   Getting to know you is like reading a book. Anticipating the turn of a page. Wondering what adventures will be in the next chapter. What little piece of gold will be discovered. Wishing the book would never end because it's just that good. I think the Book of You is my favorite ever. Let's write our own chapter :]
Amanda

    P.S. Please come follow me on Tumblr. It's my new favorite spot. Here.

Friendship

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.”  C.S. Lewis‌

Has a Tumblr

   Its's going to be hard to come here and post. I might eliminate this blog, and transfer it over to the tumblr. Have not decided yet though. For now, if you are interested-Here is the linky love for that tumblr acct...
   All The Stars Are Mine    Enjoy!
   ~Amanda

*You*

*You*
The Curve of your lips
& the sway of your hips.

That small spot behind your ear;
It calls me to come near.

The glimmer in your eye
Shows me that you still want to try...

Its your gaze
That leaves me in a haze
A fog
A Bliss
It has me yearning for just
One more kiss. ~Amanda

Or.

Maybe I'm not deep

or smart

Maybe I'm not special

or pretty

Maybe I don't know as much as you

or maybe

You think I'm just not capable.

Don't take me for granted

Don't tread on me

Don't make the words from my mouth

seem cheap.

Maybe I need to look inside

Or

Maybe it's you, who needs to look

within.

Out With The Old

   New behaviors, new attitudes. New Things to come. Do I know what those things are? No. But life is rapidly no longer what it use to be, and trying to figure out its new role has been difficult. Everyone in my home is trying to adjust to the new flow of things. The kids aren't handling current events so well, but eventually we will achieve an even flow. Calm waters.
   School is about to start back up again. Schedules are good for kids. Repetition. It might be a saving grace for the family. I hope they don't lash out at school too much.
   Birthdays are also swiftly approaching. This time of year is dreadful and all mashed up for me. A series of events that span a 3 month time stamp. I get crazy overwhelmed with all projects in this time, and breathe a sigh of relief when the New Year arrives.
    It starts with the kids birthdays in Oct. and with the new babe-an addition for the beginning of Nov. too. I have a baby shower to attend and a Wedding both at the end of Sept. And Early Oct. Then planning for The lovely holidays commences. Thanksgiving is my favorite Holiday. I have never cooked a bird myself, but have become the side dish queen for both Turkey day and Christmas. It will be interesting to see how my role changes along with these holidays...
 
   Its hard to put my feelings to written word when i am unsure of just what my feelings are a lot of the time. I know along with all of this personally-perceived chaos, I have a broken unstable situation. Unsure of how to make it stable again and still accomplish all the goals that are needed to sustain a normal life for my kids. Needing to find a job, and look into going to school so i can do better for my kids.
   Time is flying by, but it doesn't seem that way when nothing in your life is moving as fast as time itself...

A Poem For Her

Sovereign Entity 

. 

I dreamt I 

could be yours 

I saw it in the stars  

A special place 

existing outside

the borders of

your normalcy  

 .

Not categorized

as one

or the other

  But as separate

. 

No rules

no boundaries

no black or white

but gray

  just peace

enjoyment

fulfillment

  Friends

lovers

both

.

 No confines

to what Our

Sovereign Entity

could be 

. 

~Amanda Clemm

DO YOU SEE THAT?!

   Do you SEE this piece of magnificence?! This ring?! It is my dream to own this ring. I have been drooling over it since the day i found it. Here she is in all her glory...

  
   It's me right?! You know it is...And this ring right there-Has dropped HALF price!!! And I STILL* can't buy it! Ya know with everything that is going on in my life, the last thing i could ever do was drop money on this little gem...but gosh i love to look at it! Maybe someday All The Little Stars will own the stars on this ring as well...till that day-i shall day dream about it regularly...

    @@@@@@@@@@@@

   In other news, Even though I get no readers but my lonesome-I think a Bot* found my blog last night-cuz i got an email from a company offering to send me their product if i will review it on my blog. Funny. Ah Well...It gave me immense amusement and a lil' chuckle.
  
   Yesterday was a calm peaceful day even though things didn't go as they should have. I can only do so much before the brick walls hold me back. Accomplishing things as I can...
   That's enough for today I think. Enjoy your day. Ima try to :)

WEEEEeeeeeeEEEEE

...Did you catch it?! That was me passing by on this friggin roller coaster Im on. I'd love to get off this ride, but that's the cowardly way out. Facing fears, no matter the heartache.

This Too Shall Pass.

The Top of The Mountain

   Some sad news trumps all other troubles yesterday & today. My heart goes out to a special friend and her family. Im always here for you when needed girl.

   ~Amanda

The Game Has Changed

   In so many ways. Life is never the same. My game has changed, and now have the components and key players.
   A member of the family has left the home. Leaving uncertainty and the unknown. People who go through troubles in life, ask the same thing often..."how much more can I possibly take on?". Will I make it through unscathed? Can the fragile package be delivered safely with no cracks & chips? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. I don't know where my life will settle, the lives of my children & their well being unknown.
   Being strong is no easy task. When you once thought you were, and you're called upon to summon up even more. The task seems daunting. "But have I not been strong all along?" Life's answer is undoubtedly "No."
    I know where i want to be. How to get there is the next question, when Im unsure of even just the roof over our heads. I need the happiest of times to pull me from these depths. For they might consume me if i did not have them.
   Just have to keep reminding myself, it's all for the better, and in the long run things will be fine. Can i make it to the long run? IDK....

Change Is Coming

   ....I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in my bones. Its every breath I take, and and every move i make.

Im TOTALLY Suppose To Be At The Gym

   OK, so i haven't been around. Things have been crazy, great, fun, hectic, weird, and ridiculous! I don't think i want to, or could even begin to explain all that has gone down for me in the past month or so.

   I can tell you, it's all for the better. I know who I am. OK, no i don't; maybe i never will-but the piece I feel was missing I was right on the money about. I don't know how it will fit in with all the other pieces of my life, as there are truly so many...but it has no choice. There's no leaving it behind. There is no burying it ever again.
   I think i like to talk openly about it here, because though it is public, the number of passer-by's is so low, i don't care. And will I live to regret that i said those words? Doubt it. Im outing myself today.

   I love women. I love LGBT culture. Im not going to get into it more, cuz i could probably write a book that would never get finished. But Ive already outted myself to several friends and limited family. I won't be shouting it from rooftops, but at the same time i physically can't stop talking about it. I feel so much free-er(sp? feer?) than ever in my life. I Have told OM as well. We are on pretty even ground right now, but its complicated.

   If i make you uncomfortable now, you may leave my life. If you don't accept me for what i bring to the game, you may leave my life now. I don't think things could get worse right now. I won't go and jinx myself over it-but with less internal struggle; maybe the world will be easier to take on.
   Enjoy your weekend, I hope I do!

   Amanda.

Re-Direction

   Amanda's Week in Recipe form...A lot of my meals are just being thrown together. Maybe easy, maybe a recipe Ive made so often i Just know what to do with it.
   Also, My family and I tend to eat 'easy' meals half of the week. I don't enjoy slaving in the kitchen 7 nights a week. So I take the occasional easy road out. I buy these 'easy meals' to try to combat fast food orders. Does it work? No. Ha! There are still nights where we wind up with subway-or the local pizza joints slop...But I try Dammit to get inspired by all the food blogs i see, or recipe threads of friends of Forums...

   This weeks menu was created on a whim when i needed to make a quick list and get to the store already! I had company coming! My company was going to show me how to make my own 'sauce'! (*Gasp* to all of those other Italians who are rolling over in their graves!) What Italian can't make a sauce that's not in a jar?! Well it was me-but no longer-i have been shown how obliviously simple it can really be. Thank you Heather!

   I guess we will start with that lovely pasta dinner we had on Saturday with homemade sauce-MMmm, One loaf of Wheat Italian soft bread, and a loaf of crusty Italian bread, Salad if you prefer, and your favorite pasta-ours was Angel Hair...Never made a sauce before?
   In your pan: EVOO, minced garlic, maybe some salt-Now listen-all seasonings are subject to your own taste buds-It really was simple-and I don't know if i could ever bring myself to buy another jar again! I WILL be experimenting however with eggplant soon...
   Once your oil & garlic is cooking (stirring frequently)-but not burning-add in some fresh chopped basil and parsley-flat leaf...let that mingle for a moment-then add your tomato products-From chunky to smooth pureed-your style of tomato lies solely on your preference. Add to your tomato product -tonato paste-this along with some water will determine the thickness of your sauce-add the paste with more* water for a thinner sauce, and less water for thicker...trial and error. Once together, bring to boil-add more spices (onion powder, pepper etc) and reduce heat to low simmer till you are ready to use it. I made meatballs-so once they were cooked-i threw them into the boiling sauce-and let simmer together for about 15-If i had had time, i would have let them simmer for a couple hours-maybe just an hour-it would be experimental-as Ive not left meatballs in a pot of simmering sauce that long ever-never had the time-I might turn into a old world Italian woman after all!

   Moving on...

   Now because I have very poor planning skills, I went ahead and messed this one up. Yes, my poor poor family is having another pasta dinner two nights in a row. Tonight-it will be a Seafood Alfredo. Hey-we already have the bread! This dish includes, Linguine, Alfredo sauce, (don't be mistaken in thinking it won't be jarred! LOL Alfredo and Red sauces' are so different-Im not taking on cheese lol) Shrimp, Scallops & Calamari! Believe it or not my kids are slightly excited about this one-its the calamari! When they were younger-we had them try it fried (Heart it) and they both loved it! Even after we told them what they were eating! Its the scallops that will be hard to convince them to eat! Also with this dish I can only ever think to pair it with a salad. A bare-bones salad-Tomato and cuke-that's all...

   Occasionally-we do a "fend for yourself" meal-this is when its too hot-or its too late-or hell-There aren't enough clean dishes-we all get either a sandwich, cereal, or maybe even mac & cheese-I can't be a good example all of the time! LOL-So These meals won't always occur when i plan them to be.

   Next on the list: Homemade Italian breaded chicken with roasted Brussels Sprouts & Rice Pilaf.
Start this with Thin cut breasts. If you can't get them already like that-slice a whole breast yourself. Or hell, you could use pre-cut tender-sized pieces for this too. Get a mallet-flat side, and pound out whatever pieces you use-so that they are all a uniform thinness. You will only be able to cook so many at a time. Gee a pan/fry pan, fill with oil (veg/canola?) about an inch to an inch and a half deep-You will want to warm the oil till its it rippling-medium heat sounds good-listen, once you drop those chicken in there-the trick is to get the right temp-so your outside doesn't cook faster than your inside. They won't take long either, so watch em close. Depending on the size of your chicken pieces, up to maybe 3-5 minutes for each SIDE. This is what you need after the mallet-2 eggs, scrambled and in a dredgable container- In another container-Italian Seasoned Bread Crumbs, I'd say maybe 1/2-- One full cup-depending on amount of chicken. Once your oil is hot-Start with 3-4 pieces in the egg-move em over to the breadcrumbs and into the oil. I think the trick is to get the temp just right-so that it's still a rolling boil-but that it isn't so hot-the oil is splattering you & your counter/stove top without a cover on it. It is achievable. A timer will be your friend.
   The rice Pilaf is cooked according to directions on box. The Brussels need to be trimmed of their outer leaved and stumpy stems. Then quarter them. Place them in a medium size bowl, Drizzle with a tbs. to 2 tbs. of EVOO, and your favorite spices + salt - mix all the ingredients together in the bowl until coated evenly-then place on a foil lined cookie sheet. Bake at 400 flipping after the first ten minutes-then cooking another 5 10 more. Some like to sprinkle all kinds of gourmet cheeses just before serving, or hell even Parmesan shake cheese is a great way to eat these buggers, but the way they come straight from the oven is rad too. You'll feel proud your family will eat them :)
   (Spices in my kitchen vary between a neat little dried garlic grinder, onion powder, seaS&P, Old Bay, Paprika, Cumin, etc...switch it up every time and there is no getting bored. I also roast a ton more of our veggies this way-and the key is to make sure they are not wet with too much water-or they will just steam in the over and get soft instead of crispy and sophisticated!( I have found a salad spinner to be highly useful in the removal of excess water.)

   Meal #4, The last of my involved* meals...A twist on the traditional family Taco night. We're going Fun-With Nachos instead! Except we're going to make it at least a smidge healthy with turkey instead of ground hamburg. My turkey is 93%. Bargain $2 bag of tortilla chips, Avocado, Smooth cheese (by request-shredded does not cut it for this meal) re-fried beans, lettuce & tomato, and if anyone wants some-black olives...This will be a happy one for sure...Dinner that looks like junk food-? Sure!

   So all that leaves is the two easy meals I have nights where Im just drained, or I forget to thaw something in time! Fish sticks...With frozen fries-not the best-but i buy the ones made from whole fish rather than minced...that makes me feel better when i don't go fresh-caught-fish. We do that often, but I already have the Seafood Alfredo...With the sticks and fries will be roasted asparagus or peas.
   And finally-last but not least, Homemade pizza! Wheat dough for crust and fresh sauce with cheese and peperoni :)
   Our week in food will be nice-Lets cross our fingers the kids will agree! Happy eating friends, Amanda

Ive Made Choices

   Ive made decisions and Ive made choices. Now i just have to speak them aloud. It won't be easy. And It might take me a while.

   I think i might be going through a girl-style mid-life crisis! lol. Feeling like i need to find myself. It's really not that I don't appreciate what I have, and the people in my life. I do. Treasure them. But somewhere along the way-i decided to settle for 'OK' me rather than 'Best' me. And there are things about myself that aren't particularly fantastic either. Like for example, I think i need to discover why i can't let anyone in to my emotional bubble, and have a hard time getting close to people. That's just one thing about me though. I am a million other things all rolled into one.
   I need to figure out how all these millions of pieces fit together in a healthy* (by healthy i mean all aspects, mind, body, spirit) Amanda. Because right now, things just aren't working cohesively as they should be. And I want then to be. Badly.

Here to Health of the Mind, Body & Spirit. Cheers, Amanda

Tattoo You. Tattoo Me.

   I love art. All forms. my eyes are drawn to certain visual aspects over others, just as everyone else has there individual tastes. I think tattoo 'pieces' are amazing forms of art. Ask me if i have some, and yes i have 7. But they aren't epic. Not masterpieces. Simple mostly. A couple to commemorate my children that I cherish dearly. It always bothered me that i couldn't dream up an awesome piece to show who i was in one picture...

   Until today.

   Im so proud of my mind! I have the idea, I do not know how to put it all together quite yet. But all in due time anyway. Im very excited at the thought of not being bummed over what I've achieved in body art so far. Im hopeful that this will make up for all my flip flopping in my youth! My desired placement i think might be my hip/lower back/side wrap, or as an arm sleeve.
 
   I don't have much else to say about it, But just wanted to write something to fill the void :)

Lets Get Cryptic Here for a Moment

   While i wish i could reveal all that Im feeling and going through these days, I cannot. Perhaps one day-but not today.
   Someone has changed my tune recently. I have made friends over the internet before, some have motives-others don't. Some genuine people can often times come out of the woodwork.
    I have made a couple of really decent friendly people on the internet that i can call friends. And i have met yet one more incredible person to be on that list. It's reassuring & refreshing when you realize they are not out for personal gain. When you realize they're not just interested in you merely for deviant reasons.
   Ive learned i can lean on a couple of these internet friends Ive made over time, and i hope they know they can lean on me too. Sometimes when all i can feel is despair and i have no one to talk to-I do. I have them. They are great and I dedicate this post to you. Internet Friends. Perhaps we'll meet in real life someday.
   Thank you for being you!

*Edit:  It's been brought to my attention that Deviant is probably not the word Im looking for. Please fill in the blank.

I have Not Been Here

   I have not been here. I haven't come around. My heart is heavy with things i can not write about freely. To protect others. To protect myself.

   Im sad I can't chronicle as freely as i wish. The only thing swirling around my brain at night. It will hurt some. It will heal some.

   In time I will know better who I am. I will feel less heavy and cumbersome with my thoughts.

***********************

   In other news, I think I might join the newest gym to open up down the road. I can afford $10 a month! Excited about this. Now watch it not be the $10 promotion when i get here! That would suck.

Untitled

I can't imagine how i glossed over it before. I can't imagine why the thought had never occurred to me before. It was more obvious to a stranger in a couple of messages than in my 30 years of life. I owe myself to find out-or i feel i might set my own children up for failure in the same way. What is it that held me back? It's undeniable at this point and needs addressing.
I'm not scared anymore.

Can I just take a semi-political moment here?

I just feel like saying this.
I get irritated when i hear people say "This is America-Speak English" OR "If you can't speak English-Go HOME!"

Anything really pertaining to this matter is a hot button topic. And i realize this as i keep typing, that many will not agree with me-But this is how i see it.

Yes, I DO think that to make it successfully in America, it would be beneficial to speak English well.
But the diversity of our world brings to us many beautiful languages. And a great deal of the people who predominately speak another language also are taught from young to speak and/or understand English or another as a second language for life.

Why are people so rude about it? I'm sure other countries aren't segregating their foreign speaking citizens or tourists with a "speak French or go home" or "Learn Dutch or get the fuck out" mentality. They embrace the diversity. In America it's almost 'dirty' to speak a foreign language. Shame.

I think it truly a damn shame and a crime of our education system to lack the implementation of a country-wide enforcement of second language classes as a requirement from the start. Kindergarten on up. I find it a joke. And a setup for lack of worldwide failure for our people. Holding us back In my opinion. America and it's closed minded people. And this is just English Here, I'm not even going to talk about closed minded America and issues such as gay rights or religion etc...!

I guess that's all. Speak what-ever language you want-*And* if you want to be successful here in anything you do-speak our language well too ;-) But I wish people would stop hating on folks just cuz they can't speak it.
I would add that if you were in their homeland you probably couldn't speak their language-but the obvious retort to this is-"well Im not there-We are Here*-so it doesn't matter..."